forgot to lock the stall when I went to drop a duece at work today…two coworkers walked in while i was in there…one asked me a question

you are beyond useless, you are a detriment to my life

“when ur in ur 30s and trying to be cool its just sad”

“word, at that point, ur either cool and have a life, or ur not cool but still have a life, either way ur hsouldnt still be trying”

i would really appreciate it if people dressed in a manner that would allow me to properly distinguish the men from the women

dont you find it amazing that sometimes you can just stumble across a person that you just despise for no reason other than that they continue to breath?

reggie miller just said “we call that cockblocking”

witnessed a guy taking up two and a half seats on the subway today…icing on the cake? his gf was on his lap feeding him snickers bars

you see the first quarter?…lakers were getting spanked…i felt like the knicks came out to play in laker disguises

Hey there’s an orgy in utah next summer you down?

my eyes feel like theyre going to rot out of their sockets and drop out onto my desk while i write this IM

dude this maury…wild…16 yr old boy dating a 47 yr old girl, ewwwwwwww

“every time i ask this girl out she starts crying”

“didn’t her fiancee die three weeks ago???”

“dude, its comparable to sleeping with people after a break up to get over them, im just trying to help her move on man…”

some asian kid actually tried to tell me he can tell all asian people apart…

there isnt even a fetish for your type of disgusting

joan riveres on celebrity apprentice just talked about how she was pmsing…that bitch has already gone through menopause at least twice by now

“hey, gambit was cajun, not creole, idiot”

“suck a creole cock”

its almost sad to see movie starlets age and lose the beauty that once set them apart…then i remember that there’s always going to be a fresh new batch of pretty faces to replace the old shrews

“totally got an FML posted”

“didnt you tell me you were sending in a fake FML post?”

“so what, i’m still on there”

“do your parents even love you?”

“no but your mother sure can’t leave me alone”

“im hungover…when i drink malt liquor, i wake up way too early ”

“who actually chooses to drink malt liquor?”

“how likely is it that i would get applicants if i opened up a ninja training school?”

“more likely if you offered yourself up as a training dummy”

i was really hoping that this whole swine flu epidemic was going to keep tourists out of nyc…seems like we just cant get some silver lining out of this one

one main reason we need to keep a genocide of asian people from ever happening is to keep the karaoke industry safe

some people should be given a body condom at birth to prevent their procreation

gotta love hippies…always barefoot, always have munchy food

“walked by a guy passed out next to a garbage can last night”

“you cop a feel?”

“in all seriousness, do you think before you speak?”

“dude, we should totally start a blog together, would be awesome”

“can we call it ‘fake friendship because one friend is lame’?”

if we wind up in the same school, i will not date you, understood?

i think tyra banks is on track to be the new oprah

“you’ll never guess where i am right now…in ***’s bed”

“…you probably could’ve picked a better way to come out of the closet”

i gotta go…i hope a while passes before we speak again

“im going to start calling you appendix”

“um, do i even look like one?”

“no, but its not about looks…it sthat you used to serve a purpose but now you simply take up space”

“if i die, i want you to know that every time i laughed at one of your jokes, i was faking it”

“lol, so you wasted all of that time of your life fake laughing…smooth”

“i didnt want to hurt your feelings so bad that you became a curry hermit”

survived the swine flu…all i’ve got to show for it is a crappy FB status about it

“if I were like the first ever porn star, I’d be super pissed at how much money the ones today make”

“i dont think they really had a market for latex genitalia back then, but i see your point”

Gotta love the guy drunk enough to pee in public but sober enough to take shelter under a payphone to do it

“does the rain depress you like it does me?”

“no, i see it as an opportunity to start a fight between girls and hopefully get some mud wrestling going”

bro i found more cigarettes in my jeans this morning, i was like, ‘hello there more cigarettes i forgot i had, how are you doing today? ready to die?’

“BRO, I GOT A MINI MILK DUD BOX WITH 4 OF THEM IN THERE INSTEAD OF 3”

“gtfo”

“yea man, i am fucking win, that proves it”

“ill bring the matzah, you bring the balls”

“not a good time to forget to add ‘no homo’ buddy”

iron chef america sucks…original iron chef had shit like electric eel and hammerhead sharks as secret ingredients…tonight’s ingredient for iron chef america, spinach. they should make it like oompa loompas or some other crazy shit

“i invited **** to my bday because i wanted to see her tits while i drink captain morgans”

“captain morgans, always a good decision…****’s tits not included, please provide your own”

ive always been good at photoshop, the more i use it the better i get…its like jerking off i guess

I don’t know why, but it takes me forever to find the parenthesis on a keyboard

“i need to step up my indian game”

“cop a geni son”

“why do you guys make fun of me every time we go out to a bar or club?”

“u need to realize, you’re the male version of the ugly girl kept around to make the group look better”

I love how TBS bleeps out “Jesus Christ” and replaces it with “Cheese and Rice.”

“happy birthday!!!”

“drop dead”

“wrong IM?’

“nope”

I have to be careful in this relationship bro b/c she can check my FB…if im not picking up the phone on her cuz ‘im sleeping’, I cant be having a FB convo at the same time